2022: I can fix it
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*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
grotesque if literal: baby food
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
my fav colour is also hitler
My Guy
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
It’s a gift
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”