2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
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You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.