2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
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Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.