@eleniZarro

2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting

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@CodyCoconuts

It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.

@AKcrazy18

If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.

@Death_Buddy

HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY

ME: kinda safe bet there

HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS

ME: again, still no surprises.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: wow look at all these hotties

FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that

@ben_watt

Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’

@Matt_The_1st

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

@

Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!