2022 will be better than 2021
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My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.