Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.

Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’

Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?

Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes

Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.

When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”

[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked

I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.

When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught

Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!

Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?

captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*

me: great now who’s gonna do the news

GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt

ANGEL: all the time?

GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside

ANGEL: why?

GOD: you keep saying that word

Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”

Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.

I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.

[Witches Kitchen]

Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist

Daughter: wow okay that’s gross

Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?

Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist

Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.

Me: i need a copy of this key.

hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.

me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.

Asking the real questions!

Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!

Me: *changes the WiFi password*

I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.

I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no

Gyms are open !

Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)

Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.

Thank you

Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.

Me: *walks into room*

My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.

Me: *walks back out of room*

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.