2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
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ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Today’s Times
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”