You Might Also Like
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.