[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
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I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Best spoiler warning ever
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no