Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
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Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
jesus: hey dad
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-