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Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.