[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
You Might Also Like
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
moms in horror movies
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.