[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
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Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
BaD BoY!!
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
The best plant holders?
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.