You Might Also Like
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Who.
Did.
This?
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
ok this is my dumbest yet
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Thoughts
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way