You Might Also Like
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
🤣
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
what’s really going on
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Free him