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Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you


Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?



Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.


ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing


Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*


Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.


When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.


Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer


Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave


Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.