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Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep


“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”

The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.


Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar


Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.


Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.


At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.


I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.


Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.


I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”