@sirjoancornella
@ChicksRule I never needed anything more in my life
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@ChicksRule 
@RidiculousSheri Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
@Astute_Galoot “You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
@nnnatchos Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
@BabetteJones Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
@TheBoydP Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
@uMakeMeBad At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
@Jesssicle I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
@TheOneTrueDisco Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
@Elizasoul80 I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”