20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
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I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.