20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
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Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it