20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
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This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.