20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
You Might Also Like
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this