20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
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Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
The French cow says MEUX…
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.