20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
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Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Salad is the decaf of food.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.