Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me

We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.

That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap

if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping

Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?

Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…

I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.

Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.

Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.

I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore

Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*

friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

ME: You win some, you lose some

WIFE: Where are the kids

Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.

Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong

I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.

That is why I don’t flirt

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE

[date]

EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”

HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.

ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?

what day is it?

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this

Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!

Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?

Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

Husband: Let’s role play.

Me: Okay.

H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.

Me: I quit.