20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
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Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Ghost costume 😂
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.