@AndyAsAdjective

20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!

30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!

40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!

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@UncleDuke1969

“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”

@GeorgePointon_

Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”

@Elizasoul80

I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.

@BerrymoreBlue

Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming

Matrix: Renovations

@sree2weets

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

@MoiraInMpls

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.

@dinokitten

*at adoption center*

“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”

@Swishergirl24

Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?