20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!

30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!

40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!

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Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”


I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.


Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.

Wife: It’s not until next week…

[one week later]

Sorry honey, I didn’t…


[sneeze one]

Bless you

[sneeze two]

Bless you

[sneeze three]

You are under arrest


Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*


I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.


Boss: You’re fired

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those


took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name


Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.


When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.