21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
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I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Pickled cat.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor