@nyquills

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

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@LouisPeitzman

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

@zachsilberberg

i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger

@Jandalize

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun

@JohnLyonTweets

So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.

@PleaseBeGneiss

ME: I got you a therapy cat

WIFE: THAT’S A LION!

ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach

@tonyhawk

Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO

@FatherWithTwins

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

@mirtomtom

People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”

People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”