HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
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Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”
“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
“$200 every 4 months”
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.