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When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Blew my mind.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.