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I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try