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I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.