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Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.