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Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples