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No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Weirdos gonna weird.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
i now pronounce you bounced.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.