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Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
My wife has the worst taste in men.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.