@5oulhealer When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
@DanLaMorte 21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
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@5oulhealer 
@Fred_Delicious “If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
@JohnLyonTweets Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
@VodkaShorebird Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
@UncleDuke1969 “I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
@Cidisn *turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
@NoUCantBangMe Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
@TheAlexNevil [first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
@TheHatStore me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
@SteveSuckington Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad