@DanLaMorte

21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”

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@5oulhealer

When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.

@VodkaShorebird

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

@UncleDuke1969

“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”

@Cidisn

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

@NoUCantBangMe

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

@TheAlexNevil

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

@TheHatStore

me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold