22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
You Might Also Like
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Guilty! 🤪
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Girl, same.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
mom had nothing to worry about
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Is your wife single?
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?