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#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
I didn’t realize that was an option
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod