You Might Also Like
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*