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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.