23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
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Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Me in tagged photos
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that