@robdelaney

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

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@shawnries

Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

@LeonEarlgrey

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

@ConanOBrien

According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”

@NewYorker

A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:

@OtherDanOBrien

ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted

@batkaren

Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.

@daemonic3

Possum 911: What’s your emergency

Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!

Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah

@Pundamentalism

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.

@TheTweetOfGod

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”

@BlindChow

GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?

ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend

GOD: who?

ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school