23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

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Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.


Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.


According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”


A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:


ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted


Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.


Possum 911: What’s your emergency


Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah


My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.


“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”


GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?

ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend

GOD: who?

ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school