@shawnries Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
@robdelaney 23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
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@shawnries 
@LeonEarlgrey Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
@ConanOBrien According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
@NewYorker A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
@OtherDanOBrien ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
@batkaren Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
@daemonic3 Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
@Pundamentalism My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
@TheTweetOfGod “Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
@BlindChow GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school