23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
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Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
This rocks
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Tuesday
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”