23. the denim jacket
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*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what