Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
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My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me