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My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION