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Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.

Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.

H: …


My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.


Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no


HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved


I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.


One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.


My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.


I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.


Me: What are you up to?

Her: I’m making Chinese.

Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.


my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me