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It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup