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me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.