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Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
When you don’t understand how floors work
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.