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Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.