24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
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“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?