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A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Yup
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.