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me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
This is always good for a laugh.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂