25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
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It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.