25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
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Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Actually cracking up @ this
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too