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[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..